Running time approx. 45mins.
A traditional pantomime (almost) and we would like to state at the outset that no Beanstalk is harmed in the staging of this show (not climbed up or chopped down – it’s quite clever). Jack’s mother (the Dame, of course) has run out of money again and the cow (two people in a costume, of course) has to be sold. Jack (a little on the dim side) takes five magic beans for the cow, his mother throws them out of the window in a temper and hey presto – one beanstalk going up to the kingdom of the Giant – which the neighbours say is flouting the planning laws. Jack climbs up, of course, to find that the Giant’s wife has had enough. “Don’t marry a giant” my mother said, “You’ll regret it! You’ll always be cooking, sewing, mending and ironing.” She was right. It takes me three days, a ladder and a grappling hook just to change the bedsheets!” This is an extremely silly panto which will have the audience in stitches.
ONLY 12 SPEAKING PARTS BUT UNLIMITED “TOWNSPEOPLE” AS A SINGING AND DANCING CHORUS.
Suggested Songs:
- Perfect Day (Children in Need)
- She’s The One (Robbie Williams)
- A Kind Of Magic (Queen)
- Big Bad Handsome Man (Imelda May)
- Money, Money, Money (Abba)
- Rescue Me (Fontella Bass)
- Never Say Goodbye (Hayley Westenra)
Our scripts provide links to backing tracks for the songs, which can be purchased and downloaded for a very modest fee. Our scripts also give full production notes regarding scenery, props and costumes.
NO ROYALTIES, PHOTOCOPYING LICENCE INCLUDED.
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PART OF SCENE 1…
DAME TROT
Are you moaning about being poor again?
JACK
Yes mother.
DAME TROT
Huh! Your generation doesn’t know what poor means! Why when I was young…(JACK’s heard it all before and he mimes her words as she speaks them) we were so poor that we once lived for a week on one slice of ham between six of us! And we couldn’t afford to light the fire! Oh no! Mt father used to suck and extra strong mint and we’d all sit round warming our hands by his open mouth…(she notices him miming her words) Are you mocking me?
JACK (startled)
What! No! Not at all!
DAME TROT (suspicious)
Mmm. I think you were. Of course, it’s all very well for you to be so superior but our fortunes would change if only you got a job. Look at me! I’m taking in other people’s washing just so that we can put food on the table.
JACK
That’s not fair! You know I would get a job if I could! I’ve applied for everything going. I went for the job as a butcher’s assistant but I can’t stand meat, so that was no good. I went for a job as a haymaker but I got hayfever. Then I applied for a job as a knife grinder but I cut my finger on the first day.
DAME TROT
In other words, you’re completely useless! You know, if you don’t get a job, I told you, we are going to have to sell Daisy the cow. She’s the only thing we have left of any value.
JACK
Oh no, mum! Don’t do that! I’ll try and get a job, really I will!
DAME TROT
Good. Well, I’ve just heard that Baron Soft Touch is looking for a coach driver. That should be right up your street. You should be good at that. In fact the only talent you’ve ever displayed in this house is the ability to drive me round the bend, so pull on your boots and be off with you! Go on!
JACK
Yes mother. I’m going. (He pulls on his boots and rushes off.)
DAME TROT
Oh dear! That boy will be the death of me! (talking to the audience) Do you know that he eats me out of house and home? He does. If we didn’t have Daisy the cow, I don’t know what we’d do for food. Ooh! That reminds me! Time to milk Daisy. (calling) Daisy! Daisy! Where are you?(DAISY enters)There you are Daisy. Isn’t she lovely? Aah. (To audience) Say aah boys and girls. Aah.
(DAISY does a little curtsey – (sound effect))
Yes that’s right Daisy, you do a little curtsey. She’s so polite you know. Very well brought up. Now Daisy, it’s time for you to give some milk.
(DAISY looks at DAME TROT and then shakes her head – (sound effect))
What do you mean no!? She’s sulking you know, because I’ve been talking about selling her. Aren’t you?
(DAISY nods. DAME TROT gets out a handkerchief from her bosom and her voice breaks.)
Oh Daisy, I was ever so upset just thinking about it. Really I was. Wasn’t I boys and girls? Yes. Cried buckets I did. (her voice becomes more businesslike) Talking of buckets Daisy, I’m just going to put this bucket
down here and let you give the milk in your own time. Here we are.
(DAME TROT puts the bucket down. DAISY kicks over the bucket and shakes her head at the audience, then does a little dance. Appropriate sound effects and music.)
Ooh you naughty cow! Isn’t she naughty? Yes you’re very naughty. Now come on. Stop behaving badly and do as you’re told.
(DAME TROT picks the bucket up and puts it down again. DAISY kicks over the bucket again. Sound effect of a loud raspberry.)
Ooh! Now she’s getting rude! Right! I’ve had enough of this. Now listen here Daisy, If you don’t give me some milk this instant…it’s…its…beefburgers!
(DAISY does a frantic little dance and starts to run round the stage. DAME TROT runs after her, shouting “Stop, come back here!” etc. Chase music. DAISY stops. DAME TROT stops and pants heavily.)
Ooh, I’m getting too old for this! Now look Daisy. This is serious. You have to give me some milk, otherwise I won’t have anything to put on poor Jack’s cornflakes, will I boys and girls? What’s that? Oh she wants to whisper something to me.
(DAME TROT bends down and DAISY whispers in his ear.)
Oh, do you know what boys and girls? I feel so ashamed. Daisy is absolutely right. I didn’t say please. Isn’t that terrible? You should always say please you know, when you want something, shouldn’t you? Yes. Well Daisy. I’m very sorry. Could I please have some milk dear?
(DAISY squats down to sound effect and a bottle of milk appears from
her rear end.)
Ooh Daisy you clever girl! I hope you don’t want the empties returned because I’m not putting them back up there! Come along now, let’s go and put you out in the field for a nice long chew on the grass.
PART OF SCENE 2…
GIANT’S WIFE
He’ll want feeding again in a minute! I’d better get cracking! (She gets a cloth and starts wiping round the inside of the giant bowl on the table.) Cook, cook, cook. That’s all I ever do. (She mimics her mother’s voice) “Don’t marry a giant” my mother said, “You’ll regret it! You’ll always be cooking, sewing, mending and ironing.” She was right. It takes me three days, a ladder and a grappling hook just to change the bedsheets!
(JACK suddenly sneezes.)
Who’s there? Speak up or I’ll call my husband and then you’ll be sorry!
(JACK comes out from his hiding place)
JACK
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude.
GIANTS WIFE
A boy! Don’t you know it’s dangerous for you to be here? My husband eats boys!
JACK
Ugh! Why does he do that?
GIANTS WIFE
I don’t know…he just does. Who do men do anything? Some women’s husbands keep model railways in the attic, or go fishing at three in the morning, or dress up in uniforms and go playing soldiers. My husband eats boys. Go figure.
JACK
That’s terrible. How can you bear it?
GIANTS WIFE
I don’t have a choice. My father said I had to marry a giant or a troll. At least the giant lived above ground!
JACK
You poor woman! Don’t you get lonely?
GIANTS WIFE
I do, a bit. Mind you, with the amount of food he eats, I never have time to do anything else. Quick! I can hear him stirring! Go and hide again!
(JACK goes back to his hiding place)
GIANTS VOICE OFFSTAGE
Wife! I’m hungry!
GIANTS WIFE (sarcastically)
Now there’s a surprise. You only ate breakfast ten minutes ago.
GIANTS VOICE OFFSTAGE
Don’t argue with me, wife! I’m hungry again! I want food!
GIANTS WIFE (going to the stove and stirring the pot)
I’m just dishing it up. I’ll bring it to you in a minute.
GIANTS VOICE OFFSTAGE
I can smell a boy! Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman!
GIANTS WIFE
Oh here we go again! It’s the remains of yesterday’s boy! In the stew!
GIANTS VOICE OFFSTAGE
Are you sure? It’s smells like fresh boy to me.
GIANTS WIFE
I’m sure! I haven’t had time to go out and find another boy! You’re imagining it.
GIANTS VOICE OFFSTAGE
OK. If you say so. Bring me my food and then bring me the hen that lays golden eggs.
GIANTS WIFE
Right.
(She drags the pot off the oven and pours the contents into the bowl. Then she staggers offstage with the bowl. SEE PRODUCTION NOTES.)
GIANTS VOICE OFFSTAGE
Ah! Boy stew! But what’s this? I don’t want this! Take it away!
(The GIANTS WIFE returns, carrying a wet hoodie, which she drops into the empty pan)
GIANTS WIFE
Fussy, fussy, fussy. Time was he would have eaten that hoodie and not taken any notice. (calling) Hen! Come here hen! The master wants you!