Running time approx. 60mins.
You won’t believe this. Goldilocks is up in Court accused of breaking and entering. The police have got her banged to rights, except a private detective exposes everything as an insurance fraud perpetrated by the Three Bears. Witnesses called are the Three Little Pigs, the Big Bad Wolf and Red Riding Hood. Some heavyweight evidence – after all, you wouldn’t get the Three Little Pigs telling porky pies, would you? This play is seriously bonkers. We make no excuse for it. Laugh a minute? Guilty as charged, m’lud.
20 to 28 SPEAKING PARTS. NON-SPEAKING/SINGING COULD BE ADDED
Suggested songs:
- Daddy Cool (Boney M)
- R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (Aretha Franklin)
- Daydream Believer (The Monkees)
- Money, money, money (Abba)
- I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor)
- Misunderstood (Robbie Williams)
- So Happy Together (The Turtles)
- Always Look On the Bright Side of Life (Eric Idle)
- Don’t Worry, Be Happy (Bobby McFerrin)
Our scripts provide links to backing tracks for the songs, which can be purchased and downloaded for a very modest fee. All our scripts also contain production notes regarding, scenery, costumes and props.
NO ROYALTIES, PHOTOCOPYING LICENCE INCLUDED.
Here’s a sample
Part of SCENE 1…
USHER
Call Baby Bear! Call Baby Bear!
JURY MEMBER 1
Baby Bear!
JURY MEMBER 2
Baby Bear!
JURY MEMBER 3
Baby Bear!
BABY BEAR (entering in a bad mood)
I am NOT Baby Bear!
DADDY BEAR
You tell ‘em, kid.
BABY BEAR
This happened such a long time ago, it’s taken ages for this case to
come to court.
PROSECUTION
So, how should we address you, miss?
BABY BEAR
Not miss, but Ms Bear. I’m a sophisticated young woman, now, and
you’ll treat me with respect!
JUDGE
I feel this may be a cue for a song.
(Ms. Bear comes forward and says “All I ask is respect”. Music starts.
Everyone joins in.)
SONG : R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
(After song finishes, BABY BEAR goes back to the Witness Box.)
PROSECUTION
Now, with a great deal of respect, Ms Bear, just tell us about the
porridge.
BABY BEAR
I wouldn’t touch the stuff now, all those carbohydrates. A girl has to
watch her weight, you know.
PROSECUTION
But the porridge, on that day, remember, my little sweetheart?
BABY BEAR
Don’t you little sweetheart me, buster.
MUMMY BEAR
Just tell them about the porridge dear.
BABY BEAR
Well, daddy’s porridge, and mummy’s porridge had been eaten, a bit,
not much.
PROSECUTION
And your porridge?
BABY BEAR
Eaten all up, every scrap had gone; it even looked as if someone had
licked the bowl.
PROSECUTION
And how did you feel?
BABY BEAR
Feel? How did I feel? I was starving! I hadn’t eaten since my last meal!
PROSECUTION
No, how did you …. Feel?
BABY BEAR
Oh, that. Sorry, I forgot what you told me to say.
DEFENCE COUNSEL
Objection!
JUDGE
On what grounds?
DEFENCE COUNSEL
It sounds like she is saying a prepared speech.
JUDGE
Of course it is, she’s following the script, like everyone else!
PROSECUTION
Ms Bear?
DADDY BEAR
You tell ‘em like it was, Baby!
BABY BEAR
I felt intimidated, as if my personal space had been entered.
MUMMY BEAR
Anything else, dear?
BABY BEAR
I was terrified, psychologically damaged, scarred for life, and pretty
mad too!
PROSECUTION
I think you will agree, Your Honour, that this crime has had a serious,
and lasting effect on all my clients.
DADDY BEAR
Yes, we feel the same too, don’t we Mummy Bear?
MUMMY BEAR
Exactly, and she expressed it so well, didn’t she daddy?
DADDY BEAR
We paid for her to go to a private school, you know.
PROSECUTION
Is that all?
BABY BEAR
Tell them about the chairs, Daddy.
DADDY BEAR
Well someone had sat in my chair, and in Mummy bear’s chair too.
BABY BEAR
And someone sat in my chair, and broke it!
PROSECUTION
Not so much breaking and entering, but entering and breaking!
Part of SCENE 4…
DEFENCE COUNSEL
Now don’t you worry, about a thing. Every little thing’s gonna be
alright.
GOLDILOCKS
But I am really worried. They say I have done awful things.
DEFENCE COUNSEL
Tell us in your own words what happened.
GOLDILOCKS
Am I being suitably pathetic, like you said?
DEFENCE COUNSEL
You’re doing fine.
GOLDILOCKS
Well, we get the local newspaper every week.
JUDGE
So do I. Is that relevant?
GOLDILOCKS
Well yes, Your Honour. I answered an advert for an au pair, at Bear
Cottage.
JUDGE
You didn’t tell us this, Daddy Bear.
DADDY BEAR
I didn’t think it was an elephant.
MUMMY BEAR
Relevant, you mean relevant.
DADDY BEAR
Oh, right.
GOLDILOCKS
They needed an au pair to look after Baby Bear. She was a difficult
child, it said.
BABY BEAR
I was not! I don’t know what you’re saying!
MUMMY BEAR
You weren’t an easy child, dear.
DADDY BEAR
And you’ve got worse as you’ve grown older.
BABY BEAR
But I went to private school!
MUMMY BEAR
Only for one day.
DADDY BEAR
You were expelled, remember?
BABY BEAR
I never meant to set the school on fire.
JUDGE
Huh! I sense the previous testimonies have been nothing but bearfaced
lies!
DEFENCE COUNSEL
So, Goldilocks, you replied to the advert?
GOLDILOCKS
Yes, and I was invited for an interview.
JUDGE
So you were at Bear Cottage, at the invitation of Mr and Mrs Bear?
GOLDILOCKS
That is correct. And they told me to wait inside, if they were out.
DEFENCE COUNSEL
So you weren’t trespassing then?
GOLDILOCKS
Most certainly not. I stepped inside and knew they would be back
shortly.
DEFENCE COUNSEL
Tell us about the porridge.
GOLDILOCKS
I have to admit, I did taste it. It was the most disgusting porridge I have
ever tasted. I tried all three bowls, and it was all the same. It was so
bad, I threw some out of the window, and wiped the bowl.
DEFENCE COUNSEL
If you remember, Mi’ lord, the Inspector testified that there were a lot
of dead birds in the garden. Forensic evidence has shown that they had
been killed by the porridge. I would like to submit a sample of the
porridge for the jury’s inspection.