Buttons, Velcro and Zip by Stewart Auty

Running time approx. 1 hour and 30 minutes but can be shortened by removing some or all of the songs.
Relax. This is the Cinderella story as we know it, except for a few tweaks. The stupid Lord Elpmee can’t bear being a widower so he marries the terrifying gold digger Lady Mona. She arrives with her two daughters, Griselda and Grumbelina, who are always taking selfies and have a certified medical condition called Bone Idle-itis. Lady Mona takes an instant dislike to Lord Elpmee’s daughter, Isabella, and the moment his Lordship dies (about three minutes after the wedding, conveniently) she demotes Isabella to the kitchen and gives her the name Cinderella. You know the rest of the story, of course. Fairy Godmother, Ball, Prince Charming etc. How do we cope without the glass slippers? Ingenious! But you’ll have to get the full play to find out. By the way, the Stepsisters and their mother are not ugly. We like to think that they have modelled themselves on the Kardashians and we think you could have fun with that!

14 SPEAKING PARTS BUT UNLIMITED SINGING AND DANCING CHORUS
Suggested songs:

  • The Chapel of Love (Dixie Cups)
  • Tragedy (Steps or the Bee Gees)
  • Let It Be (The Beatles)
  • Tomorrow (Annie the Musical)
  • Something’s Coming (West Side Story)
  • Dance the Night Away (The Mavericks)
  • The Time of My Life (Bill Medley, Jennifer Warne)
  • Money, money, money (ABBA)
  • I Love to Cry at Weddings (Sweet Charity)
  • So Happy Together (The Turtles)

Our scripts provide links to backing tracks for the songs, which can be purchased and downloaded for a very modest fee. As with all our plays, there are full production notes that give advice on scenery, costumes, and props.
NO ROYALTIES, PHOTOCOPYING LICENCE INCLUDED.

Here’s a sample

PART OF SCENE 1

ISABELLA/CINDERELLA
What about me?
LADY MONA
You can stand by your father, probably for the last time. After the wedding, if he stands by anyone, it will be me!
MINISTER
Shall I begin?
GRISELDA
Time for another selfie!
ISABELLA/CINDERELLA
Give me strength!
GRUMBELINA
Strike a pose everyone!

(EVERYONE groups for selfie, apart from ISABELLA/CINDERELLA and LORD ELPMEE)

MINISTER
All right to begin now? We are gathered here today to witness the union of…
LADY MONA
Never mind all that! Get on with it!
MINISTER
Very well. I didn’t realise speed was of the essence. If anyone here present can show just cause why these two may not lawfully married, they should speak now.
LADY MONA (To ISABELLA/CINDERELLA)
And you, my girl, you keep your mouth shut, or else!
MINISTER
Who gives this woman, the Lady Mona, to be married to this man?
GRISELDA/GRUMBELINA (Together)
We do!
MINISTER (To LORD ELPMEE)
Do you take this woman …
LADY MONA
He does!
MINISTER
And do you take this man….
LADY MONA
I do!
MINISTER
Are there rings to exchange?
LORD ELPMEE
I’ve not really had time.
LADY MONA
We can do all that later. Get on with it!
MINISTER
Very well. I now pronounce you man and wife. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Lord Elpmee and his new bride the Lady Mona.
GRISELDA
And now the wedding photos!
GRUMBELINA
Or more to the point, wedding selfies!

(LORD ELPMEE, LADY MONA, GRISELDA, GRUMBELINA step forward to group around MINISTER)

ISABELLA/CINDERELLA
Shouldn’t I be in these?
GRISELDA
Certainly not!
GRUMBELINA
We’re a family on the way up!

GRISELDA
Whereas you, well, you’re on your way out!
GRUMBELINA
So keep away, you’re not required.

(GRISELDA and GRUMBELINA continue to strike a pose taking selfies repeatedly)

PART OF SCENE 2
LADY MONA
Doctor Watt, explain about the rare medical condition both my daughters seem to be suffering from.
DOCTOR WATT
What?
LADY MONA
You heard! Tell little miss skivvy pants what’s the matter with them.
ISABELLA/CINDERELLA
Huh! I know what’s the matter with them! How long have you got?
LADY MONA
Quiet! Listen to the doctor. Let him explain.
DOCTOR WATT
I examined both girls, both individually and together. It is quite remarkable how similar they are.
LADY MONA
You have noticed they are twins?
DOCTOR WATT
Twins? Well goodness me! How did I not notice?
GRISELDA
But I’m a year older than her! That makes me better! I’m the older sister!

LADY MONA
You are indeed twins. I was there, remember? I’m your mother! Griselda, you were born just before midnight on New Year’s Eve, and you Grumbelina, were born a few minutes later on New Year’s Day.
GRISELDA
See! I told you I was older!
DOCTOR WATT
How fascinating. Can I finish explaining my diagnosis?
GRISELDA
You’ll like this bit, Cinders. This will explain why we can’t do any work.
GRUMBELINA
And if we can’t do any work, that leaves everything to you. So pin back your ears and listen to the doctor.
DOCTOR WATT
Both girls display an abhorrence of anything related to work. They seem allergic to effort of any kind.
GRISELDA
An allergy! Oh, thank you Doctor!
GRUMBELINA
Just what we always wanted! A selfie to celebrate?
GRISELDA and GRUMBELINA (Together)
Selfie!

(GRISELDA and GRUMBELINA take selfie with DOCTOR WATT)

DOCTOR WATT
Even the thought of doing anything for themselves, and, heaven forbid, for anyone else, brings them out in a rash.
GRISELDA
Yeah. A rash, here on the back of my hand. Look!
ISABELLA/CINDERELLA
Call that a rash? I had a worse rash when I got stung by stinging nettles.
GRISELDA
Anyway, we feel faint.
GRUMBELINA
We sweat profusely.
ISABELLA/CINDERELLA
So I’d noticed. You didn’t need to tell me that!
GRISELDA
It’s an allergy. Like the Doctor said.
GRUMBELINA
We can’t help it. Even the thought of work has a nervous reaction.
ISABELLA/CINDERELLA
This is stupid! Doctor Watt, you’ve been conned! There’s nothing matter with either of them that a good slap wouldn’t sort out.
DOCTOR WATT
On the contrary, they clearly both suffer from idle-itis. It is so deep set both in their minds and their bodies that I would go so far as saying they suffer from bone idle-itis.